Many men (and a few women) later, I moved on.
But not before I dated T.
Until T, most the people I dated had no idea what they wanted for their life or how to get it.
The one’s before were stuck. Stuck in their relationships, like the German, who was separated from this wife but not legally divorced until (by law) a year has past. Stuck in their jobs, like the Theater guy who was in his mid 20’s and still working at a movie theater. Stuck in future, like Drug guy who no matter what his life’s ambitions or interests were he was doomed to run his father’s company. Stuck in their religion, like the Mormon who’s life was not his own, but god’s. Stuck in their past, like M who was forever haunted by trauma. Stuck in their heads, like OCD guy who, turns out has Multiple Personality Disorder.
T was different. He was responsible, he was active, he was organized, he had a plan. And it was sexy.
About 4 months into it I was just getting comfortable, even thinking about committing. And then he gave me the ultimatum.
I denied it, partially because I’m power hungry and partially because I need someone to be sensitive to that. He was not that person.
That’s when I started to think that person doesn’t exist.
Just like society has these damn near impossible traits for women (goodlooking but not high maintenance, excellent fuck but not a slut, smart but not nerdy, sexy but can take home to meet the parents, drinks but not more than you, aspires to cooking, cleaning, raising children and have a fulltime job)… I had similar one’s, if not the same ones.
DAMN. Does this mean I’m a sexist pig too?
So, I decided to block out this realization with a pizza delivery boy who months later got the herp from his girlfriend, a frat boy that looked in the mirror more than me, a Texan who gave me the line “Sorry, I just always act weird after I hookup with someone”, and a model who ate me out in the bathroom at a party. All winners. Or wieners.
But I didn’t care, I was single and they were hot. And as long as they were std free and could prove it, I was game. Because I wasn’t looking for love, or a relationship, or a reason to care. I wanted to do whatever I fucking felt like and answer to no one.
I’m not proud that I’ve broken a few hearts, I just don’t give a shit.
