3 Little Words

Last time I saw Sandy, I was at her apartment meeting her new interest. He was a clean cut country boy from Versailles, Kentucky and talked a lot about nothing no matter how uninterested everyone in the room seemed to be. Sandy’s roommate, Saundra, expressed how much she disliked the new interest. I could not disagree with her but made an argument that he had been drinking a lot of whiskey and perhaps that intensified his personality to annoying.

We both warned Sandy to not fuck him that night for fear of whiskey-dick.

Well, she did. And apparently it was good sex. With one minor draw-back. He said the ‘L’ word.

“This was your first time sleeping with him right?” I asked her.

“Ya, this was only our first real time hanging out besides the night we met. I knew he liked me a lot. So, before we did anything I sat him down and told him not to expect anything and that I just got out of a bad relationship and I’m not looking for one right now. Then he told me he loved me while we were having sex.” To clarify, Sandy did get out of a bad relationship, but that was a year ago. And she wasn’t looking for a relationship, at least not with him. Out of disgust and horror, I told her to dump him. Anyone that throws around the ‘L’ word like that doesn’t have any respect for it’s true meaning (whatever that is).

The next day I saw my interest, WXL. I was ill. And convinced I caught whatever he had the couple days prior. We were at his buddy’s house watching a cheesy horror flick. All along while I was teasing WXL, telling him we cannot kiss since he made me sick.

“You can’t just cut out kissing. There’s so much to a kiss.” He obviously was opposed to a non-kissing relationship.

And as if on que, the movie cut to a making-out scene.

“You see. It’s not by chance that people kiss on the lips, it’s perhaps, one of the most erogenous zones on the human body. And all the feeling that goes into a kiss…”

“Feeling? What is this feeling of which you speak of? What should I be feeling?” I loved playing the cold-hearted one.

“I can’t tell you what you should be feeling”

“Then tell me what you feel”. I was looking for something erotic, like kissing me made a tingling feeling shoot down his spine to his shaft.

“Well, I love you”.

“Huh?” I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.

“Ya.”

And then I kissed him

Commitment Phobe

I have never fully committed to anything.

I've never put the time or effort into my school work. I've never been dedicated to any job. I've never entrusted myself with anything and I've never put in 110%.

And now, I look over at the $2 intended for the investment in a key for Him which has now been sitting on the table for about a week... and I think "is there a reason he doesn't have my house key"?

I could have just forgotten.

But, trained in psychology, I know better. Even our inattention has meaning, the brain forgets for a reason.

My history falls short at this point in a relationship. My Men before had never had a key to my house, not the first (3+ year relationship), and not the last (3+year relationship). 

I've been committed, whole-heartedly to my current relationship (granted, this was an adjustment in itself). So,  Why am I reluctant to give this Man a key, who, mind you, has been practically living with me for the past 6 months?

Commitment phobia? Or just lazy?

I choose the latter. I'm off to get a key made.

Red, red.

Red, red. You are my first.

Overloaded and wide-eyed, I contemplate what others will think.

I contemplate what I think...

Yes, that's right, I've never had a virtual diary before. I'm a virgin blogger.

My only living diary is a list of people I've pursued in one form of another. Which I predict I will probably post on here? I expect the stories would get some laughs (or cries).

This is much like losing your actual (vaginal) virginity.

You think about it entirely too much. Arousing at first, disappointing in the end. Most likely you regret it. And it only matters to you.

And (like any sexual relationship) as time goes on you become less interested and stop doing it as often. Eventually, you find something new.

Why am I losing my blogger virginity now?

1.) Everyone's doing it (I'm not usually a sucker for peer pressure, but there is some allure to having your life spread eagle on the internet, vulnerability is sexy.)

2.) Perhaps aiming for some sort of self therapy (this, does not mean therapy in the traditional sense, more like an organization of one's thoughts)

3.) I'm closing to a turning point in my life (I'm going to graduate from college soon...with a bullshit degree in hand... and no immediate plans for grad school.)

I don't know about you, but I'm done mulling over my loss of innocence and whoring myself out to the hungry virtual world of blogging. I shall (like most newly popped cherries) go cower in the corner, fetal position and all, thinking "WHAT HAVE I DONE!"